I have been very sensitive these days. I have no excuse yet I know my being tired and sad and feeling discarded is playing a major role with all my recent drama.
I am now tuning in again and doing the best to live my life in happier, joyful and non preferential/ judgemental state. I am guilty of being so acerbic in my words and not mincing it when my mind is feeling tortured and attacked. I know there is more to life to enjoy and seize. I am a practitioner of delight and fun yet sometimes I get loss in a shuffle of people who try to steal my energy and youth for their own convenience and pleasures.
I am at a loss during Christmas season and that is what it is. I have this sentimental upbringing of being altogether with loveones and decorating home to feel more joyous and excited for the yuletide season. I have been by myself with my 2 boys in Canada for 10 years and most of those celebrations were either by myself or with my 2 boys or few friends. My mom is in California and all my siblings are somewhere scattered in the world. I am not married and if there is any guy i should be with, is not anywhere near me. I am not having a warm hug and kisses from someone who I thought would really care and love me. There is no mature love, a partner to enjoy the winter and wine...and laughter and food with my children.
My life is tricky at best pathetic yet many adventures can not be exchange for any currency. The excitement and some adventures are all fleeting,unplanned yet such great memories. I can not and will not want to plan what I already experienced. I like having something fresh, new, excitable and yet solid in it's offer. I want a joy i can hold on long after the experience is gone. It is part of my unique look and feel of the intricacies and complexity of some of my behavior, decisions and reality. I am not stopping my search for the genuine peace and love I can share. When I give love I find comfort, quietness and serenity in my life. When I am loved I live with contentment, joy and peace. When i am alone and forgotten ...am a little girl crying, hurting and longing...and these days, fighting.
I am praying and working harder than ever. I am healing my own wounded hope and wishes for a better life and partner. I maybe abandoned but i can not allow to get loss too far that I can not recognize the right way towards my victorious survival of life's impossible task and test over and over again.
I have to fulfill what I am meant to do in this world. Being sissy, weak and coward is not part of that. I know my calling and listening to it will make me the woman and person that I am to be. Today ,am taking back my Zen, clear my mind and be the beat in my heart's championing of new world and new strength for a new beginning...again.
Reality is only tricky if you are not a part of the excitement. I want to be generating that energy and focus my love to what is real and authentic. I can see clearly now. Please join me in my growing understanding of what life is when there seems to be none. Falling back is just another reason to strengthen my body, my mind and me.
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